For better or worse

It is time for a change. Northland is not for us. We are squandering our desire. The school, community may be fantastic for some. It seems to be a great place for young kids looking for direction, looking for a place to find their true hippie selves, but as an educational environment it is lacking. I have been told time-and-time-again “education is what you make of it” or some similar go get ‘em, take one for the team nonsense. I’ve had it. Over promise and under deliver should be the schools motto. For the price I am paying for this education it should far exceed my expectations. It doesn’t.

I will see the radio station through. I believe in the station. I believe in the concept. I believe in media and equitable media access. However, I longer believe in the payoff. I will not get the manager job. I don’t believe the job will even materialize. I am chasing the carrot. God dammit I am supposed to be smarter than this. I am smarter, that’s why I’m leaving.

I am not sure where we will go. My gut says Milwaukee. I don’t know if we/ I could get accepted to school or not (although I am fairly certain we will). I don’t know what kind of jobs or apartments are available. It is terrifying to consider packing up and heading to the city. K has never lived in a truly urban environment; she could very well freak out and want to bail within a month. However, I give her credit for being able to adapt and I am actually more afraid she will fall in love with the bid festering stink-hole that is urbanity. Why should I fear her evolution to urbanite? I can’t say. I will have to meditate on it.

More than anything we need the change. Northland/ Ashland is not ready for us. We are far too motivated for this community. Resources, vision and opportunity are scarce commodities here. There are niches. But they are fiercely guarded and not all that promising anyhow. We could set this town on fire but it’s just too damp to burn.

For a long time I believed that the only way I could feel secure was to chuck it all and head into the woods. It was an uneducated, impetuous idea. I did not have the language to discuss the feelings I had. I now realize that if I want to see a better world I have to fight for it, not run from it. I need to become the change I seek. The future of sustainability, the future of humanity lies in change; change in infrastructure, change in legislation, change in ideologies. While the sustainability movement may be grassroots it is not a purely rural concept. The greatest change has to come from the masses. From the cities.

Enough urban propaganda. My decision to move to the city is not completely altruistic. I am very ambitious, sometimes shrewdly ambitious. I want more and better opportunities. I want an education that will propel me into the future I envision for myself and K. I want a shot. I want K and I to realize our dreams. I want a professional creative outlet; for myself and K. We deserve it. We have worked hard for it and right now we are stagnating. Bullshit. I want change.