Entropic Myopia

Weekend

2005-07-13T09:55:00.000-05:00

Well, This weekend was fun. I visited my grandparents. My mom and I drove up to spend the weekend convincing my grandfather to make good on his promise to take care of the "situation" at our family's lake house.

First order of business: I feel it necessary to define a term. I may at times use cottage and lake house interchangeably. The reason is that cottage is the colloquial family term for a place in Northern Wisconsin that is, in my estimation, far from a cottage. Don't get me wrong. The place is not palatial. In fact, right now it is a sad state of disrepair.

To me, cottage evokes an image of some quaint sea/lakeside bungalow; a log cabin set back in a mature mixed-hardwoods forest; or even an old farm house, lovingly maintained but not modernized. I suppose for the majority of my family this is a semantical argument. For them (living their day-to-day lives in major metropolitan areas) the cottage may well fit the bill. However, for me (also logging hours in metropolis) a place with satellite TV, an internet connection (albeit a miserable dial-up) dishwasher, laundry, etc. is not a cottage.

I will leave my cottage rant for another post ( when I have about five hours to really get it out).

Long story short...My grandfather accepted some of my suggestions and most importantly he agreed to look at a proposal to develop a family website. I am considering taking on the project. Like I don't have enough shit going on. I want to see this happen and if I don't do it no one else will.
Although the development will most likely take months and require 100-500 hundred hours (for my family to agree that is probably a low-ball), I will donate my time and resources.
I see the site as a full-function media/communication portal (think .Mac) for the entire family. I realize most of them will only use the email (email alone would be worth it. I am so sick of all the random emails my family uses. I don't get it. Most of them use a full-featured email client at work/school. But at home it's yahoo or msn; some shitty, free, spam collecting junk). But a calendar, chat client, discussion board and photo/video page are the main features I want. We shall see.

All for now. More on the weekend later.

Tech Blows

2005-07-02T01:03:00.000-05:00

OK, so I can't make the Dem. Now link work to save my ass.

It kills me.

Go check our Democracy Now.

Please.

Amy Goodman is a journalistic hero. She rocks; end of story.

Lazy-ass Me

2005-06-30T13:25:00.000-05:00

I have been devoting too much time to other blogs/ projects. I really want to focus on this blog. I created it as an attempt to force myself into self-centered writing. Instead I am forever getting sucked back into my political/media work (and of course my "real"job).

I really like the simplicity of Blogger. I am a pretty huge fan of everything Google. I don't want to turn this into a .com site. I want to keep it as straight forward as possible: Just my personal rambling. An electronic journal left open on the bedside table of the web for all to see.

It's hard. I have a hard time forcing myself to write freely; no AP, no CMS. But I am going to revisit this project once-and-for-all. Also, I think I am going to pull down all but a few previous posts. Just start anew. Focus on free-form, unedited babble.

Sounds good.

And where have you beem young man?

2005-06-29T17:38:00.000-05:00

It's been awile. I know, I know. People who don't update suck. However, I did warn that I would be gone for awhile...

...Phone call: Must go pick up my sweetie. She has just finished drawing class and needs transportaion. I will post in-depth in an hour or so.

1985

2005-05-29T23:18:00.000-05:00

Claire: Look, I'm not going to discuss my private life with total strangers.
Alison: When you grow up, your heart dies.
Bender: Who cares?
Alison: I care.

When the above dialogue was spoken on the big screen I was 12. Back then in took months for a movie to get released on video[tape]. In my neck-of-the-woods it was about six months until it hit the local video store shelf (this was pre national chains). So, I was no older than 13 when I first saw the Breakfast Club. It was mind-numbing. Truly challenging for my young, naive psyche. Most important: It was trendy. I haven't seen the film recently but I remember some of the references, the dialogue and the fashions. Very Eighties. I grew up pretty quick and it wasn't too long before I was some awkward amalgam of these characters. Part stoner, part jock, part art-kid, part manic-depressive, part nerd.

Point being?

Fast forward:

My cousin graduated from high school this weekend. I cried. Big, fat, real, happy tears ( I don't do this nearly enough). My family is tight. My cousins are very close to my heart. I have been told it is unacceptable to compare our relationship to that of "traditional" brothers and sisters but I don't really know any other way to give feeling to my emotional connection to these kids. I say kids because, with one exception, they are all 18 or younger. None of them are stand out trendy (which is good). They are all pretty quirky. All pretty much into being themselves.

The graduate is 18. She was born very premature. Two pounds and a few ounces. She lived her first few months in the hospital. The majority of her time was spent in an incubator. Her parents have images of her asleep in their palms. She was so tiny (she is still tiny). The unfortunate effect of her premature birth was cerebral palsy. She has suffered from a lack of fine and gross motor coordination, slight emotional sensitivity and maybe, maybe a little cognitive delay. She has suffered most from severe sheltering and over-protectiveness.

A is an intelligent, strong, creative, witty and imaginative woman. Her parents, and one aunt in particular, treat her as if she was a fragile, incapable imp. They coddle her at every turn.

She is capable of doing whatever she wants. She could write the great American novel; she could travel the world solo; she could win the Noble Peace Prize; she could graduate Magna Cum Laude in any field she choose; or she could sit on her ass, watch TV and waste her time in some half-assed technical college that has "special needs" programs. They need to cut the cord. She needs to spread her wings.

I need to think without cliche.

There is nothing to say to the parents. I have tried numerous times to convince them to cut her loose on the world, to put her in school (abroad would be best), make her get a job (shit job preferred; something that would send her kicking-and-screaming into college). No luck. They are so afraid of... Who fucking knows what they are afraid of. Suicide, poverty, ungodliness (most likely in the forms of sex, drugs and rock-and-roll; things they know all too well), failure.

Ah, failure. The big fear of all parents. She might just fail. So what? Most of the truly meaningful stuff-of-life comes from failure; just pure, unadulterated, abject failure. It is evolution kicking you in the head saying, "Buck up chumpy. Life doesn't care if you succeed, I don't care if you succeed, but maybe you should. Because nobody else is going to take care of you forever".

On a positive note. One of her graduation presents is a trip to Las Vegas. The trip includes her sister, who is very cool and as-far-as-I-can-see ready to take the world by storm. Maybe this trip could be a turning point. She has never been on a trip without her parents, and while the mothering aunt is sponsoring this trip, she will be faced with many new challenges. I can only hope for the best. While I happen to think Vegas is a monument to the stupidity of American culture, I would even be happy if she fell in love with place and applied to UNLV. It would at least be far enough away from home (unfortunately, the aunt has home in Vegas) to facilitate some personal growth. Also, truth be known, the aunt's daughter really, really wants to transfer to UNLV. She is treading H2O at UWM and is ready to get out herself.

We got her a digi camera. It isn't exactly the camera I would have chose, but I wasn't really in a position to force my will on the gift. I would have chose a more pro-level weapon. (It is my only issue with the digital movement: If you're going to point it, mean it. Shoot like you care). But she loves it. And it will serve her well for what she does with a camera.

I have so many memories of this woman. I have cried, laughed, hoped and feared for her. I will do so for as long as I live. Most importantly I will believe in her. I will watch her grow and I will support her evolution. I am not overly concerned with what path she takes, how she gets where she is going or who she spends her time with. I just want to know that she has lived life like it matters, because it does.

Rewind:

I never officially graduated. I was such a rebellious punk that nobody was going to tell me that school was worth anything. I got myself booted from two traditional schools, one alternative school and one private. It didn't matter. Needless to say, I bailed on college for awhile (that story is being held onto for the novel). When it was time to return, I took the tests, got a GED (no one even bats an eyelash, even though I sometimes feel like I should be ashamed); took the entrance exams, walked into college and never looked back. It didn't matter one bit. High school was a joke. Everything I learned, I learned the right way: experientially. I drank, smoked, ate, smelled, felt and thought my way through. I made some many "mistakes" I couldn't even begin to illustrate them all. I still make mistakes. I fail constantly. In fact I just typed this sentence with many errors. I will have to spell-check this whole post.

Who cares?

I do.

"Prepare the children for the path, not the path for the children".

Degas' Little Dancer

2005-05-28T00:07:00.000-05:00

14yrolddancercrop
Originally uploaded by entropicmyopia.

While the MAM curators assumed this was/is the piece we all came to see, they are wrong. It is "the" sculpture. Google Degas sculpture and guess what you'll find. A 14-year-old ballerina. It is good and the mythology behind its in-and-out of the Impressionist shows (pulled from five exhibited in six) is intriguing. It's still not representative of Degas' overall vision (in my humble opinion). His work seriously questioned the morality of the day. His portrayal of woman having the audacity to comb their hair or bathe in front of an observer ( we won't even consider how terrible it would be if that observer was a male).

I don't think it's too much to ask for the MAM to put a little more substance into their exhibits. Art should challenge our assumptions. It should make us stop in tracks and say " Damn, are you sure? I need to think about that for awhile". But then again I'm just some hick from Wisco-proper.

Back from the Dead.

2005-05-26T08:56:00.000-05:00

Two day recovery time. I am pissed at myself (sort of).

All-in-all it was a really great Birthday. Languid morning with good coffee, lunch at a new restaurant, afternoon drinks and eventually ENRON documentary. We drank wine. We smoked. I was content.

To fully appreciate this year's observance I have to include the days surrounding my birthday.

Sunday: Great breakfast at my favorite restaurant, Beans and Barley. How could I describe this place to someone who has never been? Post-modern diner; Vegan friendly; convenient market for quick pick-me-ups and such; appealing decor; etc. Obviously, I have an affinity for the B&B. If you ever want to take me out for an informal meal, this is the place.
After breakfast we went out to the community garden we are participating in this year. After two years of living on a farm (hobby, not production), we just couldn't give up a garden. K truly shines in the garden. It is her environment. She is the definitely the project coordinator. I am a bit more passive about it. Growing up with a large, organic vegetable garden most of my young life I approach it a little different. It still smacks of work, wasted Saturdays (ask any teenager made to weed instead of hang-out with friends). I do love having a garden and living in the heart of Wisconsin's largest urban center won't keep me from getting my hands dirty. I'll get into my perception of gardening in a later post, after this new gardening experiment starts to take root (Ha).
After the garden we came home showered, spent a little time together and then I went out with my mom. Point of reference: My mom is not really a mother, she is more like a friend/older sibling. We stopped living together when I was in third grade. We still spent a lot of time together; vacations, extended weekend getaways to the family lake house, trips back-and-forth to her house etc. But we never really bonded in a traditional way. She always has, and probably always will, shown her affection through stuff. She buys me things. Even as a grown man she still "takes me shopping" for my birthday. I have tried to break the cycle, tried to just ignore it. She is persistent. Even when I lived out west she would send things, order from local stores or send money. It's not that I don't appreciate the gifts but sometimes just a nice quiet diner, drinks and maybe some adult, non-work/weather conversation would be good. I think this pattern gives her power. She feels needed and I guess I can do that for her. I just want her to see me as an adult, treat me like a peer and come clean on her humanity. I don't think she's Wonder Woman and I never will. She can still be my mom. And my friend. I want that to be enough.
Anyhow, the stuff.
This year my combined haul ( from all gifters, not just mom) include:
5.1 digital surround sound home theater system for computer.
AirPort Express to torment K with the ability to wirelessly play music in any room in the Apartment. After a third party download I can also play any audio ( DVD, Streaming video etc.), anywhere.
A new suit (still being tailored).
A new sweatshirt (It is a special sweatshirt, more later).
A new Bodum French press.
Money.
However, one of the coolest gifts I got was from K's Mother and Step-father. They ordered me some REALLY good tickets for a Milwaukee Brewers game. I'm not really an overly sporty kind of a guy but this has special significance.
1) I am interested to see a game inside Miller Park. I've never been so it will be kind of cool.
2) The game is versus the Washington Nationals. New team, I'm sure it will give me something to talk about with the sports-minded people in my life.
3) The reason they picked this particular game is for the giveaway. Baseball teams give away crap to get people in the seats. The real money in sports is merchandise and concession sales. I want the thing they are giving away. It is a bobble head doll of a player who was very popular when I was a kid.
4) Most important: They paid attention when I was talking about this "toy" over diner the last time we visited them. That feels great. Her parents ( at least this set) pay attention to me. I am a part of their family. It feels good. I can drink a little wine, start rambling on some geeky topic (like collectible bobble head dolls) and they are cool with it. A present with thought is much cooler than any expensive gift or elaborate party.

Enough on gifts.
My birthday included the on-air debut of the Low-Power FM radio station that I worked to develop. While I am no longer officially connected to the project ( well, not true. I got a call needing some help with some final details), I was very moved to hear them go live. I poured myself into getting that station up. I will post on the station later. It will be a mouthful.

Yesterday, as a continuation of my birthday, my mom took my cousin and I to the Milwaukee Art Museum to view the Degas sculptures. The exhibit travels soon and I have been procrastinating going. I can see the museum from my Apartment and I just don't get there enough. In fact I missed a show I really wanted to see earlier in the spring. Oh well, I saw this and wasn't overly impressed. The work was great but the curatorial decisions were a little odd. I am almost late for a meeting so I will pick this thread up later...

Late Night B-Day

2005-05-23T22:15:00.000-05:00

I know I said I wouldn't post until tomorrow. However, I can't wait.

Disclaimer: I have had a few [read: many] drinks. So, I might regret this tomorrow.

I saw ENRON: The Smartest Guys in the Room. Not overly impressive. It is, of course, a great story on some really fucked up, morally ( and financially) bankrupt individuals. It fell short. I think something got lost on the cutting room floor. The story wasn't fleshed-out the way it could have been. It was a lot of info most folks already have. There are characters who could/ should have been developed further. I guess I wanted a little more. Oh well, it was good. I am sure it will open eyes for a lot of dyed-in-the-wools.

It was between ENRON and Palindromes. Maybe we should have gone to Palindromes. Or maybe we should go next week.

OK. Enough now. I will post on B-Day shenanigans tomorrow afternoon.

You say it's your birthday...

2005-05-23T10:56:00.000-05:00

HBTM
Originally uploaded by entropicmyopia.

Not so long ago, right here in good old MKE, I came into being.

Today there will be celebration. Tomorrow I will report in.

And in other news...

2004-12-13T15:15:00.000-06:00

Took some time off from the blog to finish up some pressing projects.

I hate deadlines.

That’s a lie. I thrive on the energy. I intentionally put things off until the last minute just so I can get the down to the wire buzz, It’s why journalism works so well for me. Constant deadlines. I realize I need to develop better coping strategies during crunch time. I let the stress become negative sometimes and then it carries over into my personal life. Absolutely terrible. Never, ever bring it home. Number one rule. Hard to do. I am learning though.

The radio is coming along well. Not fast enough though. I want the OK on the space issue. We need to start construction last week and the administration wants to “shoot for January.” They just don’t get it. They think it is plug-an-play. I will get it done but they are pushing me up against the wall and I will have far less time to dedicate to the project during the coming year. I feel the mid-May frazzle coming on already.

Very good news on the radio front! It looks like the “guest” I want to come for the broadcast kick-off is on board. If this comes through I will feel tremendous, not to mention lucky. I have a really good feeling about this. Down side is: everyone is going to want a piece of it. Everybody is going to want his or her fingers in this pot. It’s going to get claustrophobic. Also, not that I need recognition (I get jazzed just seeing things come together) I already feel like people are taking my work and running with it.

Life Lesson #274: There’re a lot of climbers out there. Most of them will tell you they aren’t. They are lying. They will use you, step on your head to get a boost up. In the end they won’t get much farther. It’s like the idiot who rides your ass while you’re driving, constantly looking for an opportunity to pass. They speed by you at a dangerous or just plain stupid place, only to wind up next to you at the next stoplight. Whatever. They will be with me my entire professional life. I had better learn to deal with now.

All right off to a meeting.

For better or worse

2004-12-10T11:08:00.000-06:00

It is time for a change. Northland is not for us. We are squandering our desire. The school, community may be fantastic for some. It seems to be a great place for young kids looking for direction, looking for a place to find their true hippie selves, but as an educational environment it is lacking. I have been told time-and-time-again “education is what you make of it” or some similar go get ‘em, take one for the team nonsense. I’ve had it. Over promise and under deliver should be the schools motto. For the price I am paying for this education it should far exceed my expectations. It doesn’t.

I will see the radio station through. I believe in the station. I believe in the concept. I believe in media and equitable media access. However, I longer believe in the payoff. I will not get the manager job. I don’t believe the job will even materialize. I am chasing the carrot. God dammit I am supposed to be smarter than this. I am smarter, that’s why I’m leaving.

I am not sure where we will go. My gut says Milwaukee. I don’t know if we/ I could get accepted to school or not (although I am fairly certain we will). I don’t know what kind of jobs or apartments are available. It is terrifying to consider packing up and heading to the city. K has never lived in a truly urban environment; she could very well freak out and want to bail within a month. However, I give her credit for being able to adapt and I am actually more afraid she will fall in love with the bid festering stink-hole that is urbanity. Why should I fear her evolution to urbanite? I can’t say. I will have to meditate on it.

More than anything we need the change. Northland/ Ashland is not ready for us. We are far too motivated for this community. Resources, vision and opportunity are scarce commodities here. There are niches. But they are fiercely guarded and not all that promising anyhow. We could set this town on fire but it’s just too damp to burn.

For a long time I believed that the only way I could feel secure was to chuck it all and head into the woods. It was an uneducated, impetuous idea. I did not have the language to discuss the feelings I had. I now realize that if I want to see a better world I have to fight for it, not run from it. I need to become the change I seek. The future of sustainability, the future of humanity lies in change; change in infrastructure, change in legislation, change in ideologies. While the sustainability movement may be grassroots it is not a purely rural concept. The greatest change has to come from the masses. From the cities.

Enough urban propaganda. My decision to move to the city is not completely altruistic. I am very ambitious, sometimes shrewdly ambitious. I want more and better opportunities. I want an education that will propel me into the future I envision for myself and K. I want a shot. I want K and I to realize our dreams. I want a professional creative outlet; for myself and K. We deserve it. We have worked hard for it and right now we are stagnating. Bullshit. I want change.

And where have you been young man?

2004-12-08T13:52:00.000-06:00

Well, not that anyone actually reads this blog but I still feel guilty for not posting for so long.

It’s not my fault...

….No really it’s not my fault.

First of all, we spent Thanksgiving at K's parents’ house. Dial-up. Not worth the hassle. Second of all, my family are neo-ludites. One broadband connection between the lot of them. Not worth the hassle. I put off posting figuring I would be inundated with quick and easy WiFi hotspots while on vacation. No such luck. Where is this unwired world I keep reading about? I can assure you it isn’t in any of the airports we spent three hour layovers in. Not Detroit, not Miami, not Tampa. No where. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t expect the little hub airports(Duluth or Key West) to have wireless but come on, Northwest does more flights out of Detroit than Minneapolis. Hook up the wireless you cheap bastards.
So no big deal the airports don’t have wireless, the hotel has in room wireless. We got to the hotel about 8:00 pm (Key West time). After 13 hours of travel time I was more interested in kicking back with the step-brother and the step-brothers girlfriend and having a couple of drinks than blogging.
Fast forward to the next afternoon (much drinking = much sleep). Everybody else is either asleep or already roaming the streets of Key West. Perfect time to blog. Brew a quick pot of, surprisingly good, in room coffee and pull out my trusty iBook. Not so trusty. No boot. What the fuck. This is the fourth major issue I have had with this machine. Totally unacceptable. Long story short, it was eighty degrees outside and I wasn’t about to worry about my computer (even though I had plenty of work to do).

Post script excuse: Get back from Key West recharged and ready; network failure. No real answer from IT. For the last two days Macs have not been able to get on the network or get out to the web. Problem solved. Back in the blogosphere.

Key West post ( belated)

2004-12-08T13:20:00.000-06:00

Key West was fantastic. We flew out of Duluth at 6:30 am. It was 20 degrees (When we landed in Key West it was 7:00 pm and 75 degrees). Despite having two three-hour layovers, our air travel experience was good. She took anavant, atavan, something like that. A heavy duty anti-anxiety medication. Well worth it. She was completely pliable. I could have told her our plane was crashing and she would have shrugged and smiled. I listened to my iPod and read a Creative Suite mag. I think I picked up some cool new tricks but haven't tried them out yet. When I do you'll be the first to know if they work. I could go on and on about our flights; both ways they were great. Uneventful. But in air travel uneventful is good.

Key West is a Vail/ Wisconsin Dells/ Taos chimera. Lots of shopping, lots of activities and lots of bars. Classic tourist town. Over-priced everything, over-worked locals and if you have the cash: a fucking great time. We had the cash. Thanks to the Dad we partied like rock stars for five straight days.

Not only did we party well, we ate well. The Café is a wonderful "almost vegetarian" restaurant. They bill themselves as almost vegetarian because they have fresh seafood on the menu along with their respectable veggie/ vegan fare. I was very impressed by the food, service and ambiance. She wasn't overly impressed but at least she didn't have to play the "could you please, pretty please leave off the fucking dairy and meat" game.
We did the full Key West thing. Walked Duval street, went to Pirate fest, strolled the wharf, went reef snorkeling, drank until four-in-the-morning and laid around the pool. It was a blast.

Aside from being a great getaway this was a family vacation. All-in-all the family stuff went well. We hung out with the Brother and his partner, the step-brother and his girl, the step- mother and the Dad. It was cool. I spent some quality time with the Dad. I really like him but he is somewhat unpredictable. Sometimes it seems like he treats me like one of his kids and sometimes it seems like he could care less if I stepped in front of SUV. But she assures me that he has always been like this and that he likes me. He likes me. I feel like a junior high school art-fag. "Do you really think he likes me"? Whatever, the Dad and I wandered around together, drank beers a couple of times, went to Pirate Fest and ate lunch together. What else can I ask for? I had a lot fun with him.

The trip was not without drama. The step-mom had a fairly embarrassing drunken freak-out at the hotel pool.

We were supposed to drive the step-brother and girlfriend to Miami where he was doing a show ( he is a pretty successful DJ). We had agreed to rent a car and make sure he got to his show on time. Miami is about four hours away from Key West. We went down to the pool around 1:30 to make sure everything was on track. It wasn't. I didn't feel getting into it. I also didn't feel like driving around Miami at midnight. There was a confrontation, the step-mom said some pretty harsh things and K hasn't spoken to her since. The ball is in the step-mom's court. If she doesn't apologize the Dad's Christmas party will be interesting.

After hours of driving aimlessly around Miami trying to find the step-bro a hotel and find his gig we finally got back to Key West at about 4:00 am. People were still partying on Duval St.

Obviously, I could go on forever about this trip. I won't. Its no fun to blog after the fact. Hopefully my iBook will be returned quickly and I can get off this miserable PC and get into the swing off daily posts.

Welcome to...

2004-11-24T09:46:00.000-06:00

Off to the folks. The grand American tradition of consumption, derision and disillusionment. Followed by a healthy dose of forgetting and the promise of a better next year. Blah, Blah, Blah...

On an up note, my snazzy new ipod should come via FedEx before I leave. Distractions are always good in family situations.

Me, Me, Me...

2004-11-23T17:23:00.000-06:00

For better or worse. Where does one begin? Guns blazing, tongues waving? Sometimes this seems like a really bad idea; proof of all my synaptic misfires. No going back on my word without feeling like a complete idiot. Oh well, libation waits. Off to the brewery.